Abiding With Our Nature Amongst the Broken

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We stumble sometimes when we get out of bed. Sometimes, we can stumble if we’ve been sitting awkwardly for too long or if we’ve become unused to moving in certain ways. Whenever we begin doing any new projects or activities, we are capable of injuring ourselves in a multitude of ways. It’s important to remain patient with not only ourselves and others but also our bodies and our environments in these moments.

In this new, ever increasingly difficult world where bureaucracy increases while the gears and mechanisms of bureaucracy seem to work less effectively and efficiently than ever before, we often face a seemingly ceaseless drip-drip-drip of distractions, obstructions, and obstacles that seem to be both personal and aimed directly at our own personal progress. 

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These may even be targeted at us, as bureaucracy often can be. More likely, though, it is the inefficient, ineffective, and thoughtless gears grinding away with no conscious target. Regardless, bureaucracy must keep itself alive by creating a need for itself to be fed. And, do we really want to fight that beast on this battlefield at this time?

Clear your mind. Clear your heart. Let go of your reactionary nature.

These stumbles can be dealt with appropriately and accordingly. It might be distracting us from a greater purpose, a lofty goal, or an objective for the benefit of others. It is only when we allow ourselves to feel assaulted that we become further victimized. This increasing victimization has been perpetuated in our minds, not by the bureaucracy, but by our reaction to the broken systemic nature of modern life.

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We can retrain our minds to let go of our reactivity and defensiveness. Sometimes, gears are just gears. When you slice your finger while slicing onions, you don’t blame the knife. When you begin to cry from the sliced onions, you don’t blame yourself, either. It’s simply a natural reaction to a natural stimulus.

Abiding with our nature and with the nature of the world and the society in which we find ourselves within is crucial to achieving our objectives. By not reacting or overreacting to stimuli, we begin to allow our natural awareness to begin informing us of where we are, how we are, and what we are in this whole system. Then, we just might discover there is so much more that we can actually accomplish, not just with ourselves, but with everyone we encounter. 

Coping with Loved Ones in a Toxic Coma: Revisited

I needed to revisit this topic before writing my next article. 

I left it mostly as is, but added some photos. 

I also wanted to thank the world for such wonderful experiences that have helped me better understand myself.  

Thank you, world. 

There are people in all of our lives. Each is important but some we consider to be family. These bonds aren’t always by blood, as in our close friends or spouses. We love and care for each of them. If those loved ones are blessed enough, that love and care is returned. The return of that good will should never be the reason we are patient, generate understanding or compassion for anyone. These must be given freely, without the strings of attachment or expectation. It’s the difference between being selfish and selfless. 

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We may not even be in direct contact with a loved one in order to wish them peace, joy and happiness. Imagine someone in a coma. We can’t have any realistic expectation of a return for our love and care for someone in such a condition. That doesn’t mean we don’t care or that we don’t love and wish them to get better.

There are other conditions and circumstances that our loved ones can be experiencing that are similar to a coma. Someone may have experienced a great loss, have been traumatized or sick from disease or injury. Mostly, we think we can see these diseases, injuries, losses and traumas very clearly in those closest to us. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. Other times, the person with the condition isn’t even aware that they are sick. 

In even extreme cases, people can be so unaware of how sick they are that they are capable of destructive acts, wreaking damage and potential devastation to those they love and that love them. These people are still worthy and in great need of patience, understanding and compassion. We sometimes lack experience in how to interact with them without causing even greater pain and more intense suffering as well as causing harm to ourselves in the process.

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Some people are just so sick that they turn everyone into the enemy or a villain. There can be symbiotic relationships that feed on one another’s sickness. As these relationships develop, instead of gaining insight into why they are both suffering so much, they back up their dysfunctional views of themselves as well as their mutual distaste for others. This has a very isolating affect, intensifying their conditions and increasing the potential damage. They see good will as condescending, misconstrue compassion for pity. There are infinite ways sick people push away their loved ones. When someone is in a coma, we can’t be pushed away.

When we find ourselves at the end of all of that understanding, having been so patient, having really generated true compassion for a loved one in such an isolating situation, we need to begin treating them like a loved one that’s in a coma. This person is not capable of hearing us, nor capable of truly seeing us as fellow human beings sharing a common humanity. Further interaction only intensifies the hold of their conditions and isolating symbiotic relationships. Unless there is obvious evidence of injury or trauma, we even lack a mechanism where someone with authority can intervene.

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Most abuse is internalized, unable to be verified by simple observation. Abuse is obvious when an arm or a leg is cut off in an angry rage. However, most abuse is emotional, as words leave no physical scars. Even bruises go away and external wounds heal. What compounds this terrible situation is the growing isolation that the relationship sustains in order to hide the dysfunction so as to not have to contend with those loved ones striving to alleviate some of the pain and comfort of the suffering that they both experience.

These are such difficult situations for everyone. What do we do? We begin to treat them as if they are a loved one in a coma. We think about them, we generate compassion for what they are going through. If they were to wake up, we will be there for them, but we don’t have to remain in the room. 

When someone is filling their immediate environment with toxic fumes, we don’t just stay inside to reason with them. That’s idiot compassion. Instead, we open the windows, open the door and try and get out of that deadly place. We can’t force someone to leave unless they are truly incapacitated or we are strong enough to lift them up and take them out of their toxic environment. In these extreme moments, it may become necessary to discontinue an active, engaged relationship with someone in such a terrible situation. In these most difficult of interpersonal relations, we must tread and consider carefully.

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There are few singular reasons to make this break with someone. It has to be a preponderance of the evidence coupled with the history of not only our interaction with this individual but also our overall understanding of the personal histories, relevant capacities and skills balanced with their personal willingness and openness to gain insight or accept guidance. 

We may even discover our own current situation is incompatible with this person’s toxic existence, which raises the potential damage for us. We cannot stay forever in the room with a coma patient, nor can we withstand relentless abuse and trauma from our loved ones. At some point, we really have exhausted all of our reasonable options. We can’t heal the world if we’re being actively injured by our loved ones.

If the patient doesn’t want the remedy, doesn’t even admit to the sickness, we simply cannot force them to do so. In fact, in some cases this could be highly counterproductive. We don’t have to have an active, engaged interaction to genuinely love and care for a person. We don’t have to sink our own vessel. If there’s someone on board a cruise ship hell bent on killing others or sinking the ship, you throw that person overboard to save yourself but more importantly to save others. We can throw that person a life preserver or give them a life raft, but if there is no willingness to grab hold or get into the boat, we cannot let our ship go down because of one angry and out of control person.

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We must be careful to not simply think the worst of others. 

There are no external relationships that can be salvaged by one person alone. We can love and care for loved ones without having direct contact. We don’t have to let someone back on our ship until we become satisfied they are no longer a danger to us or others. We don’t have to let someone back in the house when that person is actively spewing toxic venom.  

We can love and care for someone, even if that person is in a toxic coma.

The 'At Peace' Killer

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We should never measure a human being against a memory we have concocted in our minds. By doing so, we've created the self-fulfilling prophecy of no one measuring up ever. Too often, the memory we cling to of someone in our past isn’t reality-based. We either focus primarily on the positive or the negative memories and attributes as opposed to the breadth of experiences that we have had with that person. 

Our minds are both imaginative and creative as well as stubborn and ignorant. We can use them against ourselves as well as others simultaneously. There are other options. Chances are we’ve experienced mistakes, missteps, or traumas within and out of relationships and friendships; perhaps, we are widowed. Learning from our past is beneficial; becoming fixated on it is problematic. 

However, we’re all works in progress. 

Anyone who thinks that working on themselves can't coexist with working on a relationship is likely never going to achieve either objective. I’ve heard people claim that they must be ‘at peace’ with themselves or become ‘stable’ before they can do anything with their lives. 

What does being 'at peace' with yourself or becoming ‘stable’ even look or feel like? When you achieve that will you be static or dynamic?

Why are we trying to define ourselves? Trying to put ourselves in a box or a cage sounds a great deal similar to what we often attempt to do to others, does it not? Do you want to be quantified and tagged? 

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Just learn to be. Be aware. Be present. Be a mess if that's what we are today. If we're trying to not be what we are, we'll never be 'at peace’ with ourselves, whatever that is.

Self-awareness is a killer of bad relationships, and that is great news. It may not feel good in the moment, but embrace that feeling, learn to trust those feelings. Learn about ourselves and others by not ignoring our thoughts and feelings. Those thoughts and feelings are communicating something important to us about our environment and those within it.

By linking positive and negative labels to feelings and thoughts, we've embraced a brittle life, not just for ourselves but for all those we encounter throughout it.

People feel all sorts of feelings. People thinks all sorts of thoughts.

Being 'at peace' isn't about having it our way; it is about being okay with whatever comes about because of where we are, how we are and why we are.

Don’t let being ‘at peace’ or being ‘stable’ be the killer of your present. 

Our Precious Blood Stained Bones

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The corpse is bloated, blue, and festering. 

The corpse is crawling with insects and worms. 

Crows, hawks, vultures, wolves tearing it apart to eat. 

All that is left is a skeleton with some flesh and blood still clinging to it.

All that is left is a skeleton with some blood stains, but no more flesh. 

All that is left is a skeleton with no more blood stains. 

All that is left is a collection of scattered bones-- 

Here an arm, here a shin, here a skull, and so forth. 

All that is left is a collection of dried bones. 

The bones have decomposed, only a pile of dust is left.

(Awakening the Heart, Thich Nhat Hanh)

What we were was dust, what we are is dust, what we will be is dust. The truth that we have a consciousness and a mind that can fathom and comprehend that truth is precious indeed.

What are we doing with this collection of flesh, blood, and bones?

How are we challenging this mind that clings to these blood stained bones?

Is our life seizing this precious opportunity or sucking it dry completely?

What we think, how we feel, why we are . . . Do we even consider any of it?

Some may think these blood stained bones and thoughts of decaying corpses are all too morbid.

Challenge those perceptions. 

If our bodies and minds didn't change, we would never grow up. We could never never overcome. We could never fall in love.

It's because of the very nature of our decaying, dying flesh that we can do anything with our lives that is much more than just consumption and destruction.

Challenge perceptions. Challenge the mind. Challenge the body. Challenge this life.

Don't Punish, Acknowledge and Move Forward

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Life and the modern world is very busy, complicated, and at times highly confusing, disorienting and distracting. All this work we've been achieving, every effort we've taken, and every moment we've created has not been lost, no matter how many days, weeks, months or even years have seemed to have been squandered by our lack of focus, attention and intention.

We must be certain to not punish ourselves when we do become aware again. We then acknowledge what has happened then explore how and why this happened. If we take a judgmental approach to ourselves, we're apt to lose our objectivity. We may either ignore some crucial aspect of our behavior and circumstances in order to avoid accountability or we may apply extreme measures in response that are counterproductive to learning and moving forward.

Meditation is something we do every day. We all do it if we're aware of it or not. Meditation becomes focused and intentional when we guide it with our intentions. As we learn new methods and new aspects of our mind through different methods and aspects of meditation, we can become renewed and refreshed anywhere and anytime. Remembering to do these intentional practices in the throes of anger, frustration, stress, physical pain, and emotional turmoil is very difficult.

Never punish yourself for forgetting to meditate.

Slowing ourselves down, both mind and body, can help make our lives more manageable, even though that often feels counterintuitive when faced with mounting concerns, unresolved issues and relentless stimuli. We have to train our minds, and really even in our bodies, to do what we want and what we need them to do. This alters the dynamic in our daily lives.

What we don't need is to be exhausted or distracted. What we don't need is to be tense or reactive. What we don't need is to continue to be active without thinking when we could do something different entirely.

That's the entire path and vector that meditation takes us toward. We begin to see ourselves more clearly. Then, we begin to more clearly see our surroundings and others.

Has what we have been doing been producing a more happy, fulfilling life for ourselves and others? Are we even able to be honest with our own observations about ourselves?

Meditation isn't necessarily about making us feel better. It's about allowing us to be more aware so we can do something about how we feel and how we are.