There are other conditions and circumstances that our loved
ones can be experiencing that are similar to a coma. Someone may have
experienced a great loss, have been traumatized or sick from disease or injury.
Mostly, we think we can see these diseases, injuries, losses and traumas very
clearly in those closest to us. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. Other times,
the person with the condition isn’t even aware that they are sick. In even
extreme cases, people can be so unaware of how sick they are that they are
capable of destructive acts, wreaking damage and potential devastation to those
they love and that love them. These people are still worthy and in great need
of patience, understanding and compassion. We sometimes lack experience in how
to interact with them without causing even greater pain and more intense
suffering as well as causing harm to ourselves in the process.
Some people are just so sick that they turn everyone into the
enemy or a villain. There can be symbiotic relationships that feed on one
another’s sickness. As these relationships develop, instead of gaining insight
into why they are both suffering so much, they back up their dysfunctional views
of themselves as well as their mutual distaste for others. This has a very
isolating affect, intensifying their conditions and increasing the potential damage.
They see good will as condescending, misconstrue compassion for pity. There are
infinite ways sick people push away their loved ones. When someone is in a
coma, we can’t be pushed away.
When we find ourselves at the end of all of that
understanding, having been so patient, having really generated true compassion
for a loved one in such an isolating situation, we need to begin treating them
like a loved one that’s in a coma. This person is not capable of hearing us,
nor capable of truly seeing us as fellow human beings sharing a common
humanity. Further interaction only intensifies the hold of their conditions and
isolating symbiotic relationships. Unless there is obvious evidence of injury
or trauma, we even lack a mechanism where someone with authority can intervene.
Most abuse is internalized, unable to be verified by simple observation. Abuse is obvious when an arm or a leg is cut off in an angry rage. However, most abuse is emotional, as words leave no physical scars. Even bruises go away and external wounds heal. What compounds this terrible situation is the growing isolation that the relationship sustains in order to hide the dysfunction so as to not have to contend with those loved ones striving to alleviate some of the pain and comfort the suffering that they both experience.
Most abuse is internalized, unable to be verified by simple observation. Abuse is obvious when an arm or a leg is cut off in an angry rage. However, most abuse is emotional, as words leave no physical scars. Even bruises go away and external wounds heal. What compounds this terrible situation is the growing isolation that the relationship sustains in order to hide the dysfunction so as to not have to contend with those loved ones striving to alleviate some of the pain and comfort the suffering that they both experience.
These are such difficult situations for everyone. What do we
do? We begin to treat them as if they are a loved one in a coma. We think about
them, we generate compassion for what they are going through. If they were to
wake up, we will be there for them, but we don’t have to remain in the room.
When someone is filling their immediate environment with toxic fumes, we don’t
just stay inside to reason with them. That’s idiot compassion. Instead, we open
the windows, open the door and try and get out of this deadly place. We can’t force
someone to leave unless they are truly incapacitated or we are strong enough to
lift them up and take them out of their toxic environment. In these extreme
moments, it may become necessary to discontinue an active, engaged relationship
with someone in such a terrible situation. In these most difficult of
interpersonal relations, we must tread and consider carefully.
There are few singular reasons to make this break with
someone. It has to be a preponderance of the evidence coupled with the history
of not only our interaction with this individual but also our overall
understanding of the personal histories, relevant capacities and skills
balanced with a personal willingness and openness to gain insight or accept
guidance. We may even discover our own current situation is incompatible with
this person’s toxic existence, which raises the potential damage for us. We cannot
stay forever in the room with a coma patient, nor can we withstand relentless abuse
and trauma from our loved ones. At some point, we really have exhausted all of
our reasonable options. We can’t heal the world if we’re being actively injured
by our loved ones.
If the patient doesn’t want the remedy, doesn’t even admit to
the sickness, we simply cannot force them to do so. In fact, in some cases this
could be highly counterproductive. We don’t have to have an active, engaged
interaction to genuinely love and care for a person. We don’t have to sink our
own vessel. If there’s someone on board a cruise ship hell bent on killing
others or sinking the ship, you throw that person overboard to save yourself but
more importantly to save others. We can throw that person a life preserver or
give them a life raft, but if there is no willingness to grab hold or get into
the boat, we cannot let our ship go down because of one angry and out of
control person.
We must be careful to not simply think the worst of others. There
are no external relationships that can be salvaged by one person alone. We can
love and care for loved ones without having direct contact. We don’t have to
let someone back on our ship until we become satisfied they are no longer a
danger to us or others. We don’t have to let someone back in the house when
that person is actively spewing toxic venom. We can love and care for someone, even if that
person is in a toxic coma.
