The Attentive Gardner: Breaking the Reactivity Cycle

We never actually know if we're being manipulated or made to feel pain and suffering by others. Mostly, people aren’t deliberately attempting to harm others; it’s only a byproduct of not being mindful or aware. That doesn't make it any easier though, does it?

The way we respond to these experiences is more important. An option is to understand that most people are simply coping. They are suffering, and they desperately need others to understand their pain directly. Or, they seek out the perceived origins, believing the source of pain and suffering is an external one.

Some people are deeply wounded: wounded by their misperceptions of others, wounded by their misperceptions of reality, wounded by their misperceptions of themselves. This is the human condition. We’re highly mistaken creatures, and we’re surrounded by others with the same mistaken condition. Mostly, we’re reacting to these conditions. We desperately don’t want to hurt.

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We often actually believe our unhappiness and our suffering is being injected into us. I challenge that belief. 

Feelings don’t come from outside of us; feelings are already within us. Feelings are like seeds. We water seeds within ourselves, we are watered by the people we surround ourselves with throughout each day, and our seeds are watered by our atmosphere.

We can't make another person happy, and they can never make us happy. We can't force someone to be angry, and they can never force us to be angry. However, our actions, our words, our thoughts, and our feelings impact others. We water seeds within others and within ourselves simultaneously. We cannot possibly control another person, but we can determine which seeds are watered within us.

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When people upset us, or trigger our anger and frustration, we can do something different. We can have compassion for the person that is triggering us instead of reacting with anger.

It has to be excruciating to just damage people so carelessly. Imagine that you're not the only one that has a similar reaction to someone lashing out at others and their surroundings. We don't have to continue this cycle. And, only we can break these cycles for ourselves. We may be unable to control others, but we too often don’t want to control our own internal states either. 

We don’t want to shut down; we need to open up instead.

This is a very narrow path, one in which we must with vigilance continuously check in as to where we are with both our thoughts and with our feelings as well. Our mistakenness can sneak back into controlling us again at any time. The only way we can counteract that mistakenness is to maintain our awareness with our presence.

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We must do this without becoming the prison warden of our thoughts and feelings. We want to become the caretaker, the attentive gardener, instead. This is not about controlling ourselves. It’s about getting to know ourselves. 

Why are we the way we are? By even attempting to answer this question, we discover so much about others. This path is directly linked to the well-being of others, and that pathway starts here and now.

We simply begin making attempts to recognize what's going on inside of us. When people are mad at us, we just go back to knowing that we have no ill intent. We don't intend harm to anyone. That does not mean we haven't done harm, but we absolutely know that we would not harm anyone with intention.

We only want the best for all people. We don’t want them to suffer. And, people are suffering greatly. They're in so much pain. And, the way they manage can end up damaging others, but more than that, it's most damaging to themselves.

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Finding understanding for this doesn't take away the bad acts of others. It can, however, give us space: to own our own experiences, to see what they are doing for what it is, to not allow ourselves to once again revert into a mistaken way of thinking and feeling, to go back to the mistaken way we were before.

We are just like them, and they are just like us. If we keep coming back to that truth, we immediately cool down our reactivity, and we immediately begin taking care as opposed to continuing the cycle of pain and suffering, of mistakenness, and of ignorance.

Only we can break this cycle for ourselves. This begins to slowly decrease the damage we create for ourselves and for others. And, moment by mindful moment, we become a beacon in the darkness of ignorance. We can do this, we need only try.

Insecurity Fruit

Insecurity has exactly zero to do with anything or anyone else. Certainly, other people and situations can trigger our insecurities, but those insecurities were already within us. 

Many will disagree, but consider where our thoughts and feelings actually originate. 

Does someone really create our thoughts and our feelings? How does that process actually unfold? Do people thrust these into our minds and hearts then force us to experience both? And, that all comes about nearly simultaneously? Does this make intuitive sense? 

Insecurities are natural. We should not try and shutdown or blame others for what is natural. In fact, exposing these insecurities is a gift and a blessing. When someone or something triggers these, try being grateful instead.

These ‘open wounds’ require our attention. And, not the negative attention of shame, guilt, or punishment. Exploring and ultimately understanding our natural insecurities will allow us to eventually let them be and to let go. Then, the dualistic nature we’ve applied to them begins to fall apart.

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What does ‘dualistic nature’ actually mean? By labeling ourselves as more insecure or less secure . . . by believing others somehow make us more or less secure . . . we are living in an internal world governed by a false view of ourselves and of reality. “This is good. That is bad.” 

It is this dualistic nature that we apply to ourselves, others, and reality that creates much of our pain and our suffering. Our insecurities are just an outgrowth of that applied dualism. 

If we were to end the finger-pointing and scapegoating — instead we own how we are as we are — we would be left with no escape. We would have to transform the way we relate to ourselves, our thoughts, and our feelings . . . whatever those might be. 

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What is it that alleviates the most pain and suffering for ourselves and for others? What is our role in that process of pain and suffering? What can we actually do about it?

Once we separate out the fruit from the roots, it is obvious that the two are connected, yet both appear strikingly different. How each of us grow and develop determines what fruits we grow — this in turn determines the fields of trees that will grow the fruits of our future. 

What we do about our insecurities today actually matters. We can do nothing, we can take care of them, we can blame others, we can even blame ourselves or our experiences. 

What we do is our choice — our fruit. 

Focus on What We Can Do, Not What We Can Divide

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Tragic stuff seems to happen all the time. 20+ dead at an Orlando gay nightclub. I just don't know what to say.

These tragedies seem to occur almost daily. Some of them hit closer to home then others.

We just find ourselves too divided. Some of us think others are just too wrong. So wrong, apparently, that those people must die.

We have to be better human beings. To one another, but above all to ourselves. It starts in how we really think and feel about ourselves and relate that in how we think and feel about others.

Who could brutalize others knowing they feel and think, suffer and experience pain in the same exact ways that they do?

Let's not focus on what divides us. Let's focus on what we can do together.

Otherwise, we're all going to suffer and die without making the most of our lives.

The Weapon of Being Upset: Revisited

People can easily and understandably become upset or frustrated. Sometimes, life doesn’t unfold the way we plan. Sometimes, people do not react the way we think they will react. However, people can use the idea of being upset or angry as a weapon to control others.

This is not about the reason for being upset; it’s about being upset with the purpose to get others to back down or shut down or to control a situation or people. This is the same reasoning children have a tantrum. Their parents don’t want their children to be upset, and so immediately react to rectify the situation. The child has become the one with the power.

Who wants someone else to be upset? Not many are malicious, wishing ill on others. Mostly, people don’t want to see someone upset, which is where the source of power of this weapon lives. Someone that is upset tends to shake things up a bit. The mind wants to preserve the status quo. It wants to remain static in an ever changing world. It prefers to be lazy as opposed to adapt, evolve or even just to listen. When someone becomes upset, all of these habits are jeopardized.

The way in which we react in these moments is crucial. We, of course, have the option of backing down from what we’re saying or doing. Often, this is the wisest course because mostly it’s not worth a confrontation or engagement with someone. However, this option teaches others that if they simply get upset or appear angry they eventually get their way. This lesson can be difficult to break once it becomes routine.

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This dynamic can be highly destructive in families and small communities. We can see this same dynamic within groups of animals within nature. The loudest, most bombastic creature doesn’t rule purely by physical prowess, but more by intimidation and fear. If the pack leader had to prove his prowess to everyone within the pack, he would probably weaken and become defeated. This is a tactic.

We can also be very mindful in moments where people use this weapon of being upset. This is not easy. We must first know our thoughts and our feelings. These can easily be inflamed in these situations. Then, our reaction to the person who is being upset becomes the focus of attention in the engagement. This is a deflection and is highly common as it is very instinctual.

Whenever we expose this weapon in others or ourselves, we must be unshakable, yet remain open and aware. This can require so much effort if we’re not confident in our presence and actions. To remain still while still open and aware is something we must continuously reinforce within ourselves. As we face more intense situations, gradually our confidence will improve. We’ll be able to practice in the heat of someone being upset, or someone projecting their pain and suffering onto us.

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Once the mind acquires a target, all the senses focus on that target and all the defensive mechanisms begin preparing to fire. The mind is very good at dismantling something or someone, determining the weaknesses of the target. This skill can either work for us & others or against us & others. Again, these are deeply ingrained, nearly instinctual responses. By understanding the weaknesses of others, we can work through these weaknesses or we can exploit them.

In these most difficult moments, we must return to patience, compassion and understanding. These help stabilize the mind, diminishing the chance of becoming inflamed as defensive arrows begin flying in our direction. The arrows are designed to pierce the stability of our presence, to shake us up and expose our own defensive mechanisms. Often, these arrows keep being fired until the desired effect is reached. We can even back down or retreat, and this can make the situation worse. The mind can go into auto-pilot, firing all of the arrows until the quiver is empty.

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When dealing with someone in the throes of being upset, we have to become the true spiritual warrior. Our quiver is filled with patience, compassion and understanding. It is so easy to set up the person that is attacking us as our own target. Certainly, it is easy to do, considering the amount of pain and suffering that is being spread. However, by setting up the target, we’re setting ourselves up for continuing the cycle of pain and suffering. We keep these alive whenever we retaliate, whenever we don’t see what’s actually happening.

We can apply patience, compassion and understanding for not just the person that is being upset, but for ourselves simultaneously. This is how we respond. We break the cycle, not continue it. We open up, not shut down. We don’t let someone gain control over our hearts and minds. We become the light of our presence and awareness. We can do this.

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When the weapon of being upset is being used, we must retain our presence and awareness and apply patience, compassion and understanding. These arrows, these painful words don’t have to damage us. We can remain constant; we can weather this storm. This situation is impermanent; the arrows are mostly words masquerading as actions. These arrows are covered in sorrow, fired with pain and burning with suffering.

We can be the peace and calm that is desperately needed. And, only we can supply this. The quiver of peace and calm is infinite, whereas the quiver of anger and retaliation is always limited. 

We can do this.

Chaos, Make it Your Ladder

This life affords us many opportunities. It is up to us to be aware enough within each moment to see the chaos for what it is or to see our way through the distractions that often surround us in order to achieve what we can. Each moment is truly an opportunity for greater awareness.

Too often, we may enter into situations with attachments and expectations in how we desire the shape and feel of the resulting outcomes to be. This leads some to anger, disappointment, even despondency when our big plans don’t work out the way we want. What benefit do any of these reactions have or gain us, or anyone, either in the moment or especially in the long term?

Aren’t we punishing not only ourselves but also others for making the best choices that we could at the time when we think in this limited fashion? Why would we do that to ourselves or anyone else? Would it not be better to be open to any results in order to best learn from our experiences?

Of course, it is natural when we are attached and the object of that attachment is missing, taken away, or never materializes to have a negative reaction or response. This is why training the mind to analyze those attachment dynamics is crucial when we enter into any endeavor, especially those endeavors that we have specific intent to do benefit for and with others. 

If our intentions are clean and clear of attachments, it allows us to seize on every opportunity presented to us by the natural chaotic factors present in modern life and from the natural effects from all of the causes we create from our actions. 

‘Okay, This path is done. Thank you for the lesson. Bless you. Now, up that chaos ladder to a more beneficial-for-others dynamic, thank you very much! Not after I deal with the anger and loss, but right now.’

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If there is no attachment, there is a freedom to be an intentional person. Every misstep, obstacle, obstruction, and absolutely every breath becomes but steps and stones on this ladder we’ve been climbing . . . to where . . . it does not matter because we have intentions connected to every action and every word. When we add, accumulate, and hold onto our attachments, it weighs those intentions down as well as our potential. 

More importantly, it obscures awareness. How does it do this? When faced with new information, experiences, or results that directly or indirectly contradict those intentions, we are immediately capable of absorbing this new data and adjust our actions as we breathe our very next breath.

The Joy in Virtue: Waking Up from Laziness

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Laziness in Buddhism is unique. It is loosely defined regarding a mind that finds no joy in virtue. This may seem an extremely confusing way to approach the concept of laziness. However, in my exploration of the Buddhist approach to laziness, I found some astounding corollaries to modern life. 

Buddhism identifies three specific types of laziness: indolence, unwholesome actions, and self-deprecation & defeatism. (The Nectar of Manjushri’s Speech, Pelden) 

Indolence

Being indolent is to have a disposition avoiding exertion, causing little pain or to avoid pain by remaining inactive.

Indolence is a very curious form of laziness. In modern culture, we have depression. One of the symptoms of depression is staying in bed, hence remaining physically inactive. It could be seen here that the pain and suffering of staying in bed and the isolation that comes from depression is far less than the perceived pain and suffering of leaving that bed. It certainly is worthy of further exploration. 

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However, indolence here is not necessarily regarding physical exertion, which are limited. There are infinite ways we avoid exertion mentally and emotionally. We often don’t consider . . . anything. We hardly ever consider . . . nothing. That’s the laziness referred to here.

It’s actually possible to have so much joy from even the most mundane of human activities. In fact, it is through these daily activities that we should strive to experience joy every single day. Our lives don’t have to be some grand love affair or adventure on the big screen to have joy in every day.

Imagine waking up and finding joy in what you can do today.

Unwholesome actions

Many Westerners immediately misconstrue Buddhist terms like ‘unwholesome actions.’ Gossamer covers the minds when some hear these terms, thinking they can never live up to some expectation of always being perfect people. This is simply not the intention.

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However, intentions are crucial in all that we do, and that is what is meant by unwholesome actions with regard to laziness. What are we really after with our actions today? Tonight? When we rise in the morning? Knowing what the intent behind every action sounds exhausting, but it can be liberating and exhilarating. 

Imagine the freedom and the joy in making every action you take matter to you. 

Self-deprecation & defeatism

Here, the defeatist attitude is becoming immune to the pains and sufferings of self and others. If we examine this closely, this ultimately becomes a conversation about greater awareness and emotional openness. 

In our modern society, some focus so much on their own pain that it eclipses the suffering of others, even their loved ones staring them in the face or striving to help alleviate it. Others, avoid feeling and experiencing their own suffering, obscuring it through acts of kindness, hostility, or ambivalence. Both methods block awareness and create barriers between all of us. 

Imagine letting go of being perfect. Allowing yourself to not have to hold it all together and demanding the same of others. Imagine making a human connection with every person, first yourself. You deserve it. You need it.

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Laziness is not something to look down on yourself about. It certainly isn’t something we should look down on others about. It is only part of our human condition. What is wonderful and beautiful about this human condition is that we can break out of this laziness and experience the joys of the virtue of being here and now. We don’t have to be perfect because we are not. But, we can wake up to joy with every breath we take. 

Go Lightly with a Joyful Heart

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The lichen hanging in the trees wafts to and fro,

Stirred by every breath of wind;

Likewise, all I do will be achieved,

Enlivened by the movements of a joyful heart.

-Shantideva

As this year and every day begins, go lightly with a joyful heart.

Our intentions fundamentally shape everything we do, every word we utter, every thought we think, and every feeling we feel. Exploring what those intentions are can transform every moment. What once was lacking becomes abundant with possibility simply because we are present within it. 

Open your eyes

Open your ears

Open your arms

Open your hands

Open your heart

Now,

Open your mind, and let the joys of intentional living transform this world. 

Seeing Through the Difficulties with Others

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Family and friends should be able to see through and around difficult issues. It's so sad and tragic that so many cannot. The way I see it, most people have not had the blessing to learn about themselves, others, and how to better relate with both. For that, they deserve patience, understanding, and above all compassion.

They also don't mean to do, say, think, or feel such terrible things either. They just don't know how to do any different. They also don't have enough awareness of themselves to acknowledge that they need guidance. It's actually completely understandable. 

For that I knew I needed help, went out and received that guidance, and that even though repeatedly the system failed me so many times, I simply never gave up. I continued to get back up and fight for a better today so I could wake up and create a better tomorrow, not just for myself, but for everyone I meet.

I really have so much to be thankful for every single day I wake up, with every breath I take, and with every person I have the pleasure to meet. That's my motivation for my daily living.

The Healing of Relating: From Esoteric to Mental Retraining

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Being how and what we are is not separated from the experience of those around us. Feeling and experiencing happiness is a state of being in most if not all cultures. It is an individual experience that has benefits to those in the vicinity of the person experiencing it. However, some people have varying capacities to empathize and relate to each other in reciprocal ways. 

This isn't a simply esoteric discourse, either. 

There are biological and neurological components to how we relate to each other that are based in actual scientific evidence. 

Mirror neurons are present in our brains that connect our experiences and sensations with each other, everything, and our perceptions of both. The presence of these mirror neurons have been proven in primates and other animals. Although direct proof of a human mirror neuronal network is lacking, there is ample indirect evidence. When human beings perform an action, certain areas of the brain are stimulated and are observable using fMRI. These same areas of the brain are also stimulated when the same person observes someone else performing the same action. 

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For some people in modern society, this reaction has become reversed for some reason. People instead experience the happiness or other positive characteristics of others as negative or harmful. These people have internalized issues regarding their own states of mind and being.

This can be seen through the lens of the over-personalization of the  experience of others. In other words, somehow the feelings and states of mind of others are somehow focused directly and personally at oneself. 

These people are somehow shut off to the positive or beneficial emotional or mental states of happiness, joy, and relief within their own minds. They simply create the perpetrators as those experiencing the positive or beneficial states of being.

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This is similar to a negative feedback loop. Observing positive experiences and situations begins a mental-emotional process that has the reverse, compounding effect of previously existing negative thoughts and feelings. This would seem to indicate a general lack of empathy or even reverse empathetic response for those with this affliction. They have stopped relating with others and their environment in a realistic way. 

Whether or not a person is openly happy or not will have no negative or positive effect on someone in that shut off, over-personalized state of being. In fact, the continued sheltering of people from the positive, beneficial mental and emotional states of others can foster and perpetuate those negative, self-defeating patterns. 

What can we do to break these patterns within ourselves and within others?

We have to retrain our mind to relate in a more healthy, realistic, and beneficial way with others.

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It’s also crucial to understand that there are absolutely valid reasons why the human mind alters the way it relates to itself, to others, and to its environment. The mind does this to survive and to adapt to circumstances and situations. 

If we do not apply understanding and patience to ourselves and others at every step in this mental retraining process, we are setting ourselves up for relearning and reinforcing mistaken and broken ways of thinking.

This is not a process as simple as turning on the lights with a simple switch. However, the more times we attempt to do something different, the more times our mind will learn this is what we want to be doing. We want to reconnect to ourselves, to others, and to our environment. We have to keep at it. 

For some reason it became easier to stop relating. Although that was understandable and is understandable to return to repeatedly, as it had become the routine and the new normal, we are deciding to do something different. 

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We are actively deciding this. We are making a new choice.

It is in beginning to make those positive choices to reconnect and renew our relation, first to ourselves, then to each other, then to our surroundings, that we become reconnected to our presence and awareness in the present. Not based on some past hurt, either, but based on a belief and the actual reality that we are all connected.

Initially, we may have disconnected to protect ourselves or others. 

Today, we reconnect to heal ourselves in order for us to be more present and aware to clearly see ourselves and others.

We can do this. We always could. We always have. We choose again. We choose today.  

Moving Beyond Reactivity: The Atmosphere of Respect

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Many people don't understand respect. It's an atmosphere you create around you. It's not really something you can barter back and forth. 

Also, people that have known you for a long time are apt to discount any progress you make because it may expose feelings of lack of progress in their own lives. That's just one option. They also don't want to be left behind. The crucial lesson is that there are many reactions people have when you change. 

Too often, we can over personalize what people do or don't do, say or don't say to us when mostly it has nothing at all to do with us and more to do with whatever their own issues might be. Taking it personally is often what some desire, either intentionally or unintentionally.  

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Certainly, it seems personal when it's being said directly to us or being done to us, but most people are just acting out learned behaviors and responses based on their life of pain and suffering. We have that in common with everyone. If we can consider this before reacting emotionally, we will help not only ourselves, but possibly them as well.

I try not to take anything personally by others, even family . . . especially family. Sometimes, people are looking for that reaction so they know they still have some control over you. Other times, people simply have no concept of the ripples and waves of their choices, words, actions, and intentions in the lives of everyone around them. Lacking the ability to connect causes and effects is also something we all have done at some point. 

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The key is to remove the knee jerk reaction, not just externally but internally as well. By allowing the mind to become aware instead of simply being reactive, we allow our natural state of awareness and objectivity to clarify and focus the mind. We then can more clearly see our thought process and what feelings develop, postulate as to why this is happening, and then determine what actions, if any, are actually necessary. 

Over time, our ability to more accurately discern in the moment will improve, and we will be able to learn as we go from our seat of awareness. As we gain confidence in this process and path, others will either accept it or they will want no part of it. That's okay. Change and transformation are not something that everyone is prepared to embrace or have staring them directly in their face. 

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That doesn't mean we go back to embracing our ignorance, does it?

Every step we take or don't take can be a conscious choice to become more aware, to broaden our understanding of ourselves and of all others. We are truly no different from anyone else. They just might be choosing a different choice. As much as we are okay with what we are doing, we must be okay with what they are doing. That is what the atmosphere of respect truly is. Being aware. Being okay.

Abiding With Our Nature Amongst the Broken

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We stumble sometimes when we get out of bed. Sometimes, we can stumble if we’ve been sitting awkwardly for too long or if we’ve become unused to moving in certain ways. Whenever we begin doing any new projects or activities, we are capable of injuring ourselves in a multitude of ways. It’s important to remain patient with not only ourselves and others but also our bodies and our environments in these moments.

In this new, ever increasingly difficult world where bureaucracy increases while the gears and mechanisms of bureaucracy seem to work less effectively and efficiently than ever before, we often face a seemingly ceaseless drip-drip-drip of distractions, obstructions, and obstacles that seem to be both personal and aimed directly at our own personal progress. 

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These may even be targeted at us, as bureaucracy often can be. More likely, though, it is the inefficient, ineffective, and thoughtless gears grinding away with no conscious target. Regardless, bureaucracy must keep itself alive by creating a need for itself to be fed. And, do we really want to fight that beast on this battlefield at this time?

Clear your mind. Clear your heart. Let go of your reactionary nature.

These stumbles can be dealt with appropriately and accordingly. It might be distracting us from a greater purpose, a lofty goal, or an objective for the benefit of others. It is only when we allow ourselves to feel assaulted that we become further victimized. This increasing victimization has been perpetuated in our minds, not by the bureaucracy, but by our reaction to the broken systemic nature of modern life.

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We can retrain our minds to let go of our reactivity and defensiveness. Sometimes, gears are just gears. When you slice your finger while slicing onions, you don’t blame the knife. When you begin to cry from the sliced onions, you don’t blame yourself, either. It’s simply a natural reaction to a natural stimulus.

Abiding with our nature and with the nature of the world and the society in which we find ourselves within is crucial to achieving our objectives. By not reacting or overreacting to stimuli, we begin to allow our natural awareness to begin informing us of where we are, how we are, and what we are in this whole system. Then, we just might discover there is so much more that we can actually accomplish, not just with ourselves, but with everyone we encounter. 

Coping with Loved Ones in a Toxic Coma: Revisited

I needed to revisit this topic before writing my next article. 

I left it mostly as is, but added some photos. 

I also wanted to thank the world for such wonderful experiences that have helped me better understand myself.  

Thank you, world. 

There are people in all of our lives. Each is important but some we consider to be family. These bonds aren’t always by blood, as in our close friends or spouses. We love and care for each of them. If those loved ones are blessed enough, that love and care is returned. The return of that good will should never be the reason we are patient, generate understanding or compassion for anyone. These must be given freely, without the strings of attachment or expectation. It’s the difference between being selfish and selfless. 

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We may not even be in direct contact with a loved one in order to wish them peace, joy and happiness. Imagine someone in a coma. We can’t have any realistic expectation of a return for our love and care for someone in such a condition. That doesn’t mean we don’t care or that we don’t love and wish them to get better.

There are other conditions and circumstances that our loved ones can be experiencing that are similar to a coma. Someone may have experienced a great loss, have been traumatized or sick from disease or injury. Mostly, we think we can see these diseases, injuries, losses and traumas very clearly in those closest to us. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious. Other times, the person with the condition isn’t even aware that they are sick. 

In even extreme cases, people can be so unaware of how sick they are that they are capable of destructive acts, wreaking damage and potential devastation to those they love and that love them. These people are still worthy and in great need of patience, understanding and compassion. We sometimes lack experience in how to interact with them without causing even greater pain and more intense suffering as well as causing harm to ourselves in the process.

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Some people are just so sick that they turn everyone into the enemy or a villain. There can be symbiotic relationships that feed on one another’s sickness. As these relationships develop, instead of gaining insight into why they are both suffering so much, they back up their dysfunctional views of themselves as well as their mutual distaste for others. This has a very isolating affect, intensifying their conditions and increasing the potential damage. They see good will as condescending, misconstrue compassion for pity. There are infinite ways sick people push away their loved ones. When someone is in a coma, we can’t be pushed away.

When we find ourselves at the end of all of that understanding, having been so patient, having really generated true compassion for a loved one in such an isolating situation, we need to begin treating them like a loved one that’s in a coma. This person is not capable of hearing us, nor capable of truly seeing us as fellow human beings sharing a common humanity. Further interaction only intensifies the hold of their conditions and isolating symbiotic relationships. Unless there is obvious evidence of injury or trauma, we even lack a mechanism where someone with authority can intervene.

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Most abuse is internalized, unable to be verified by simple observation. Abuse is obvious when an arm or a leg is cut off in an angry rage. However, most abuse is emotional, as words leave no physical scars. Even bruises go away and external wounds heal. What compounds this terrible situation is the growing isolation that the relationship sustains in order to hide the dysfunction so as to not have to contend with those loved ones striving to alleviate some of the pain and comfort of the suffering that they both experience.

These are such difficult situations for everyone. What do we do? We begin to treat them as if they are a loved one in a coma. We think about them, we generate compassion for what they are going through. If they were to wake up, we will be there for them, but we don’t have to remain in the room. 

When someone is filling their immediate environment with toxic fumes, we don’t just stay inside to reason with them. That’s idiot compassion. Instead, we open the windows, open the door and try and get out of that deadly place. We can’t force someone to leave unless they are truly incapacitated or we are strong enough to lift them up and take them out of their toxic environment. In these extreme moments, it may become necessary to discontinue an active, engaged relationship with someone in such a terrible situation. In these most difficult of interpersonal relations, we must tread and consider carefully.

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There are few singular reasons to make this break with someone. It has to be a preponderance of the evidence coupled with the history of not only our interaction with this individual but also our overall understanding of the personal histories, relevant capacities and skills balanced with their personal willingness and openness to gain insight or accept guidance. 

We may even discover our own current situation is incompatible with this person’s toxic existence, which raises the potential damage for us. We cannot stay forever in the room with a coma patient, nor can we withstand relentless abuse and trauma from our loved ones. At some point, we really have exhausted all of our reasonable options. We can’t heal the world if we’re being actively injured by our loved ones.

If the patient doesn’t want the remedy, doesn’t even admit to the sickness, we simply cannot force them to do so. In fact, in some cases this could be highly counterproductive. We don’t have to have an active, engaged interaction to genuinely love and care for a person. We don’t have to sink our own vessel. If there’s someone on board a cruise ship hell bent on killing others or sinking the ship, you throw that person overboard to save yourself but more importantly to save others. We can throw that person a life preserver or give them a life raft, but if there is no willingness to grab hold or get into the boat, we cannot let our ship go down because of one angry and out of control person.

+WonderfulWildLife

We must be careful to not simply think the worst of others. 

There are no external relationships that can be salvaged by one person alone. We can love and care for loved ones without having direct contact. We don’t have to let someone back on our ship until we become satisfied they are no longer a danger to us or others. We don’t have to let someone back in the house when that person is actively spewing toxic venom.  

We can love and care for someone, even if that person is in a toxic coma.